Iraq Vets Stress Project : Find help

A letter from a participant in the Iraq Vets PTSD Study:

I deployed with 10th Mountain Division, 2nd BCT, to Baghdad through September 2006 – June 2007. I performed a variety of jobs including guard, medical lab, medic, and pharmacy work. My experience was a typical mosaic of long days, stress, and a variety of emotionally powerful events. In short, I was exposed to the following experiences (some face-to-face and others indirectly through my comrades): IED explosions, small arms fire, rocket attacks, sniper attacks, wounded and dead Americans, allies, and Iraqis (military, enemy, and civilians – including women and children.), mass casualty, suicide, self- mutilation, divorce, infidelity, fist fights, rape, captured and beheaded U.S. soldiers, imprisoned terrorists, smell and sights of bloody, decomposing, and burnt tissues, booby traps, destroyed vehicles, and a persistent fear of being attacked.

Upon my return from deployment, I began my first year of medical school at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences (USU). Even though I completed the first academic year with good grades, I noticed that my quality of life had diminished significantly. I recognized that I was no longer able to be present in the moment and was always observing whatever was happening in my life from a “witness” perspective. I also replayed many situations in my mind, often thinking of how I could have done them differently. I no longer laughed much and felt burdened by my past, reminiscing my days when ignorance was bliss.

A year went by and I had spoken about my experiences to a variety of people in attempts to “release” them or find peace from their recurrent nature. Talking about the experiences helped me a bit, but only on an intellectual level. I understood that what I was feeling was “a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.” I knew that I had done my best and was a force of good in this world. But I also knew that my symptoms persisted even after talking about them. Otherwise I was doing “fine” and identified my symptoms to as recurring emotions that were independent of my intellect. They were in a way unreachable, no matter how I tried to resolve or release them. I concluded that this was the price I had to pay and continued to live my unrewarding life to the best of my ability.

About a month ago I had a powerful experience. I met an old acquaintance who knew me before I deployed to Iraq. Nancy asked if I was open to letting her try something called EFT to help me gain freedom from my recurring emotions. She said it was an “emotional” tool and not a mental one. I agreed and we spent a total of four hours doing the work over two days. The results were immediate and I literally “fell back” into my body from a defensive posture that I had unknowingly created in my mind. I could feel my body again and could not stop crying and laughing. I could now be present in the moment and not have half of my attention observing the situation as it was happening. I also became less reactive to whistle sounds and sirens that used to initiate in me a flight or flight response, as incoming rockets had done in Iraq. Overall, I regained the quality of life that I had prior to deployment.

It was truly an “emotional freedom technique.” Since then, I have been on a constant upward spiral and have been able to transform my past into a great strength. We worked through every single memory and emotion that I was not in peace with and “tapped them out.” I also learned how to “self-administer” EFT and have been practicing it on myself whenever something new has emerged from my past.

Olli Toukolehto, 2LT, BS, MD (cand)
F. Edward Hebert School of Medicine
Uniformed Services University (USU)